Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters *SPOILERS*

It was a pleasant surprise to find out Jean Grey (er, Famke Janssen, that is) was in this movie and as a Grand High Witch to boot! Angelica Huston will always be the Grandest of Grand High Witches, but Famke is a very VERY close second.

Previews: G.I. Joe: Retaliation (I can't wait but I swear to God DUKE BETTER STAY DEAD THE WHOLE MOVIE FUCK YOU CHANNING TATUM) and Star Trek: Into Darkness (if that's the voice Benedict Cumberbatch is using for Smaug in the next Hobbit movie, IT WILL BE FANTASTIC)

TL;DR: So bad it's good, definitely recommend seeing even if it's just down the line as On Demand or rental.

HERE ON OUT BE SPOILERS YE HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Story: The classic storybook characters, Hansel and Gretel, get a dark and gritty remake for this tale. After being abandoned in the woods and surviving their first encounter with the candy-cottage witch, Hans and Gret become career witch hunters as they grow up and roam the countryside, killing every dark witch they can find and collecting the rewards.

One town is desperate to find their missing children, and after a quick dispatching of a witch, they find a rare Blood Moon (a special moon for witches and shit) will occur in a few days and the witches are gathering ingredients to become invulnerable to fire. Through many an action scene, the pair not only discover the true reason behind their parents abandoning them, as well as why they are protected from the magic of dark witches, but they manage to stop the ritual, defeat the Grand High Witch, and save the children. All in a days work for the pair, who also add to their team with the village fanboy (who turns out to be a fairly decent sniper) and Edward the Troll (I chuckled at the name, couldn't help it) by the end.

I'm going to warn you up front: this gets graphic. Not extremely so like, say, someone playing with someone else's intestines or anything, but there is gore, there is blood, and it does not shun away from it. If you get queasy, even a little bit, you are going to need to skip this one.

It's also anachronistic as all Hell. Semi-automatic crossbows, shotguns, pistols, syringes, dy-beet-us medicine...these weren't exactly common back in the estimated time this story takes place. But if you like fun, you'll ignore it. For the most part. I'm not excusing it, but I'm not letting it slide either.

It's all dumb fun in the end however, and that's what matters.

Hell, it almost ALMOST scored points for being progressive because Hans and Gret equally get their asses kicked as well as kick ass, and Gret was almost written as a neutral gender rather than as obligatory action-girl.

That was, until she was almost groped by a fanboy while she was unconscious and he was cleaning her face.

And when Hans got his mack on with a woman he saved from being burned as a witch (SPOILERS she's a good witch) while Gret gets the shit beat out of her by the jealous and overbearing Sheriff.

Without those parts, I would have said Gret was written fantastically for a female action hero.

And I do want to add, that I feel it makes an odd kind of perfect sense that Hans would develop diabetes from being force-fed all that candy while in the witch's house.

Casting: Jeremy Renner (Hans/Hawkeye) and Gemma Arterton (Gret) make for a great duo. They are great in their action scenes together and I honestly think the strongest part of their performances is the fact that they sell the Brother-Sister relationship. It's neither too overt nor is it too subtle, it feels just right. They have the best chemistry in this aspect, and I think if they didn't have this believable relationship you really would have been taken out of the film. If the anachronistic, predictable, and ridiculous premise didn''t do that already. >_>;;

Famke Janssen. Ho Mah Gaw. I loved her in this. She is so kickass in this film as the Grand High Witch it puts her performance as the Phoenix in X3 to shame. Ok, X3 wasn't fantastic in the first place, but here she has more fun with her role and it shows.

I'm going to give Pihla Viitala her props as Mina the White Witch, if only because she's adorable and, while being a somewhat forced love interest, she ends up getting killed trying to protect Hans and Gret. I honestly half-expected a "Imma join you guys and/or have Hans' babies" thing at the end of the film. So I was surprised to see her killed off.

Thomas Mann as Benjamin (the sniper fanboy) is adorable too and I hope to see him in more things.

Action: I don't usually add this section unless necessary, but since H&G is action-heavy, I have to comment on it.

IT'S FUCKING FANTASTIC.

While I'm not an action scene expert, I believe them to be well-done, believable, and, most importantly, visceral. Hans and Gret rarely, if ever, do anything that's out of the ordinary or that'd make you scream "BULLSHIT" at the screen. It's very much like The Expendables because it's mostly hand to hand combat and it not all flip-kicks-somersault-bullshit moves.

CGI/3D: The only 2D showing for this movie was at 11:35 AM and I woke up after 12, so I missed my chance for that. I wish I knew it was the only showing because I wouldn't have missed it.

DO NOT SEE THIS IN 3D. THE 3D IS MOSTLY BULLSHIT BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF DARK/NIGHT SHOTS AND INTENSE ACTION SCENES AND 3D CONTINUES TO NOT WORK IN THESE ELEMENTS.

That said, however, the opening credits montage works EXTREMELY well in 3D because they have paper cut-outs/newspapers to explain Hans and Gret's life after the Candy Witch incident. If you see only one bit in 3D, that's the only one I can recommend.

The CGI is alright, nothing that made me roll my eyes at the effects. The gore is all CGI for what I could tell.

I would like to comment on the designs for the Candy Witch's house and the individual witch designs, because they are seriously fantastic. The Candy House isn't your traditional gingerbread house (like the ones you see around Christmas) and the exterior almost made me think of a Hobbit hole. The interior is the reverse and looks terrifying, like your typical witch's lair.

I seriously love the witch designs because they are all distinct, amazing, and gross. It's fantastic.

I want to call bullshit on the one black witch (I think) because they made her look like a stereotypical witch doctor or whatever. However, I'm not entirely sure how African Lore describes witches in their tales, so it could also simply be a bastardization of that as well. I honestly don't fucking know.

Though it was nice that there were a mish-mash of witches from different cultures at the Blood Moon gathering.

Easter Eggs: Probably more than I caught, but there are some like...they fanboy makes a Goldilocks and the 3 Bears reference when giving Gret her porridge.

Hans looks a lot like Hawkeye in his sleeveless shirt/vest thing for the last scene of the movie.

In short, it's dumb fun. It delivers what it intends to, action and gore, and does not pretend it's anything more than what it is. Very decent action movie, recommend seeing it eventually.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (c) Paramount